Wednesday, May 4, 2011

We've gone too far

Before I had children I swore I would never, ever talk about poop.


It's impossible, though. You're forced to witness the most intimate functions of your children's bodies; inevitably, you find yourself discussing it with your partner, your mother, the neighbors, etc. I've never liked it, but I accept that it happens.

I don't quite understand people who are interested in it just because. Like my friend's sister, who picked Diddly up, stuck her nose in his rear and gleefully announced, "Someone did a stinky!"

A stinky?

Understanding that you might succumb to this unsavory terminology as a parent might actually be good birth control.

Children, of course, like to talk about what comes out of their bottoms. I watched my friend's four-year-old for a few hours the other day. Within five minutes of being at my house, she told me what poop is ("food your body doesn't need"), what she'd eaten that morning ("pancakes"), and what her poop had looked like ("a big snail").

Co-workers, too, like to talk about poop; specifically their inability to do it in a public stall.

It's unavoidable.

But oh my gawd, do we really need an app to track it?

One that records the details of what comes out?

One that reassures you that if you find a "surprise" you can email the details to your doctor? (The app makers—Similac—don't say what they mean by surprise. I'm guessing they don't mean something fun like a leprechaun or a nip of vodka. I'm guessing they mean something really troublesome, like a receipt for lingerie that you never got or a neighbor's pet.)

Why isn't there an app for vomit? That also comes out of children's bodies and often indicates a health problem. Green poop? Maybe. Green vomit? Yes, especially if there are surprises in it too.

To finish off this poop extravaganza, I'd like to leave you with the one commercial that makes me cringe with embarrassment for the human race. Whenever this commercial comes on I picture a living room full of five-year-old boys bursting with juvenile excitement over this masterpiece of potty humor.

Or dads.

Aren't you glad you stopped by today? I sure am.


Pricilla said...

I had not seen that commercial before. I don't think anyone should see it before coffee.

It is good I am a goat and as I have mentioned before my poop drops free to fertilize the earth.

I am an eco-friendly goat

Matt Conlon said...

I'm very ill-equipped when it comes to that stuff... I hate it. The stench makes me gag. I don't even look when I go, much less want to look when someone else does. I could be bleeding when I go for all I know. I'd just have to wait to notice other side effects, cause... ew.

I seem to be the only one in my family who doesn't like it though. I get especially irritated when it comes up in conversation at the dinner table.

I've seen babysitters, particularly the older female ones for some reason, feel the need to describe the consistency of kids they were babysitting's it in such detail you have to wonder if they picked it up and inspected it. So gross.

I have more to say, but I'm going to stop now. I'm turning my own stomach.

Sparkling said...

oooooh i wish i could watch it!!! we can't watch youtube at shcool and i am DYING to know which one this is!

you can write it on my headstone: here lies sparkling. she refused to talk about exrement. and here she lies, becoming worm excrement.

Grand Pooba said...

You're kidding, there's an app for that?!


Whitney said...

That's nasty.
They'll make an app for anything.
That words.

Frogs in my formula said...

I'm glad it's not just me. I was waiting for someone to say I was a party pooper. (Ha!)

The Mother said...

I need an app for tracking all the stupid apps. Anyone out there developing that? said...

This is so indicative of our parenting culture, to obsess about every little thing. It freaks me the hell out.

judemiller1 said...

I've seen that commercial before and think it is gross!

Leanne said...

Wow. I don't even know what to comment. So uh, Wow. :)

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