Can you share your infinite wisdom with me? I'll publish the best answers. You'll be famous.
1. How do I lube my lizard?
I'm a terrible mother. I haven't taken a lot of pictures of Diddlydoo because he is... hopelessly flaky. Everywhere. His head. His cheeks. His back. The people in the Head and Shoulders commercials have nothing on him. And I hardly bathe him. I worry if I submerge him in water, he'll dissipate.
At Chuck's urging, I took him to the pediatrician.
"He's so crusty!" I told the doctor.
The doctor examined him. "I'd say he's more scaly, actually. He's got the skin of a 90-year-old man!"
(That's one for the baby books.)
So I ask you, what do you do for seriously dry skin? The doctor said to slather Diddly in moisturizer, but is there a mega moisturizer out there for babies that you swear by? Baby oil hasn't worked, except to make Diddly flaky and greasy.
2. How do I tone my tuckus?
I can finally get into my pre-pregnancy jeans. If I stand still, I actually look halfway decent (ok, one-third). The problem is, as soon as I move, everything globs and bobs around. I feel like a shape-shifting sausage link. And forget muffin top. I'm haulin' the whole fricken bakery above my waistline. I have to do something about it.
I'd love to start jogging with Diddly but what do I do about Junior? He hates to walk, but he's too big for a stroller.
So I ask you, how do you exercise with a baby and a 40-pound pre-schooler? Do I piggy-back him while pushing the stroller? Is there some kind of hat he can sit in atop my head?
3. How do I kill Chuck?
Instead of helping me feed Diddly in the middle of the night, Chuck rolls over, rubs his eyes and asks, "Is there anything I can do?" It's not actually a question; it's more of a mid-snore afterthought. The lack of initiative is what enrages me most. I've considered clobbering him with the baby bottle, but that's messy.
So I ask you, what's the quickest and easiest way to off a loved one?
4. How do I boil an egg?
I'm, uh, serious here. My lack of egg boiling ability has prevented me from making egg salad (gasp, no!) and from celebrating Easter in typical fashion. Junior has to dye raw potatoes. I know it should be really, really easy to hardboil an egg, but the eggs always crack, or they're not cooked thoroughly.
Please, can you help?