Friday, April 1, 2011

I need help. No fooling

Can you share your infinite wisdom with me? I'll publish the best answers. You'll be famous.

Sort of.

1. How do I lube my lizard?

I'm a terrible mother. I haven't taken a lot of pictures of Diddlydoo because he is... hopelessly flaky. Everywhere. His head. His cheeks. His back. The people in the Head and Shoulders commercials have nothing on him. And I hardly bathe him. I worry if I submerge him in water, he'll dissipate.

At Chuck's urging, I took him to the pediatrician.

"He's so crusty!" I told the doctor.

The doctor examined him. "I'd say he's more scaly, actually. He's got the skin of a 90-year-old man!"

(That's one for the baby books.)

So I ask you, what do you do for seriously dry skin? The doctor said to slather Diddly in moisturizer, but is there a mega moisturizer out there for babies that you swear by? Baby oil hasn't worked, except to make Diddly flaky and greasy.

2. How do I tone my tuckus?

I can finally get into my pre-pregnancy jeans. If I stand still, I actually look halfway decent (ok, one-third). The problem is, as soon as I move, everything globs and bobs around. I feel like a shape-shifting sausage link. And forget muffin top. I'm haulin' the whole fricken bakery above my waistline. I have to do something about it.

I'd love to start jogging with Diddly but what do I do about Junior? He hates to walk, but he's too big for a stroller.

So I ask you, how do you exercise with a baby and a 40-pound pre-schooler? Do I piggy-back him while pushing the stroller? Is there some kind of hat he can sit in atop my head?

3. How do I kill Chuck?
Instead of helping me feed Diddly in the middle of the night, Chuck rolls over, rubs his eyes and asks, "Is there anything I can do?" It's not actually a question; it's more of a mid-snore afterthought. The lack of initiative is what enrages me most. I've considered clobbering him with the baby bottle, but that's messy.

So I ask you, what's the quickest and easiest way to off a loved one?

And finally:

4. How do I boil an egg?

I'm, uh, serious here. My lack of egg boiling ability has prevented me from making egg salad (gasp, no!) and from celebrating Easter in typical fashion. Junior has to dye raw potatoes. I know it should be really, really easy to hardboil an egg, but the eggs always crack, or they're not cooked thoroughly.

Please, can you help?


LAB said...

Speaking of offing your loved ones, I just found out I'm the insurance beneficiary of my father, my brother and of course my husband. The Trifecta! I mean, I love them and I'd miss them...but I could really use some money!

Eggs: Start w/ room temp eggs, place in pot & cover with (cold) water that's 1" higher then the eggs. Bring to boil on stove top. Once boiling, remove from heat and let sit (covered) for 20 mins. That's it!

Daily Dose of Dahl said...

1) have you tried the creamy baby oil? It may not be as greasy. I used Aveeno lotion on my kids' dry skin and it worked beautifully.

2)spanx, spanx, spanx. As for walking or exercising - a friend of mine had a double stroller where the older kid could either stand or sit in the back. Junior can be the 'king of the world'! Or Batman. Spanx would be cheaper. And quicker.

3) Feed him the undercooked boiled eggs. Just make sure you leave 'em lying around for a while first.

4) I put my eggs in a pot full of cold water, bring them to a boil and let them boil for 4-5 minutes, then turn off the heat and leave the eggs in the water until it cools. If that doesn't work, see if you can buy them from a deli.

Good luck.

SmartBear said...

Okay...I've got your back here.
1.) Use the Burt's Bee's milk bath in Diddly's bath and then rub him down with Brut's Bee's lotion. (the sensitive skin one). I swear by both.
2.) Pilates Reformer classes. NOTHING got my tunny flatter than this. NOTHING. The Pilates Mat classes I took for a couple of years did not do it. And, if I'm being honest, my tummy is still my toughest area. But at least now I can FEEL my abdominals. Seriously. Pilates Reformer classes. I am ADDICTED.
3.)Send me your address and I'll come get the job done for ya. I kid...I kid you...really.
4.) I thought I was the only person on the planet who can cook but still does not understand how to boil an egg! I have never made egg salad. I finally figured it out this past weekend. Put the eggs in cold water and turn on the stove. Heat to a boiling and boil for 2 minutes. Then turn off the heat and leave eggs in the water for 10 minutes. Perfect hard boiled eggs!


Laura said...

Delurking to hopefully help :) My little one has been battling horrible eczema/dry skin. Our ped explained that the lotion that works well for one kid will do nothing (or cause a rash) for another. After trying practically every cream Target sells we finally found great luck with both the California Baby calendula wash and the cream (the lotion wasn't thick enough - the cream in the pot is amazing!) Good luck!

The Mother said...

Toning your tukus:
You have a ten pound weight at your disposal. Use him like a leg weight and you both have fun.

Boiling eggs: Millions of passover dinners later, I still can't get them out of their shells without making a mess of it. I've started serving them whole and letting the diners pick them apart themselves.

VandyJ said...

I always have to look up directions for egg boiling. I usually put them in a pot of water adn then boil for about 10 minutes--but then I'm at 7200 feet here and the water just does not get as hot as at sea level--therefor a longer boiling time. Some times it works, sometimes not--the cracked ones go in egg salad easily enough--have fun with the trials.
Or for go the whole boiling thing come egg dying time and blow the eggs and just use the shells--and I mean blow out the insides, sickos.

Heidi said...

Flaky Baby: We used Eucerin cream, not lotion. But as Laura commented, no one thing works on every kid.

Eggs: The real trick to eggs that peel easily... you're not going to believe me... it's old eggs. Seriously. Buy your eggs at least two weeks before you want to boil them (they keep two months, so the longer the better) Eggs all have a pocket of air between the white and the shell; the older the egg, the more air = the easier they are to peel.

I place cold eggs in a single layer in a pan, cover with cold water to 1" above the eggs and bring to a boil. Once boiling, turn off and cover. Let them sit for 15 minutes, then gently place them in an ice bath. Or, if you want to peel them right away, drain off the water and toss them in the pan a few times to crack the shells before immersing in the ice bath. Leave them there (either way) for about 10 minutes. I spent years serving gray yolks and this solved the problem.

Husband: Can't help. Love to tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. It's a wonder more men aren't smothered in their sleep.

Lindy said...

I'm picking and choosing where I can help. The absolute easiest way to hardboil an egg is to use a vegetable steamer. Mine came with an egg holder, you set the timer, it does it's magic and when it beeps - they are perfect every time!

Also - just a word of advice. You shouldn't post about killing your spouse. Now they can get you on it being pre-meditated.

Mariah said...


Pricilla said...

Also with boiling the eggs - if you add a bit of white vinegar to the water if the egg does crack it won't leak out all over your water. The vinegar will keep it from leaving the shell.

I don't know about flaky kids or killing spouses.


Keely said...

1) Not sure. I think I used Burt's Bees on X, but he wasn't scaly. What are you washing him with? Check for sulfates - they're very drying.

2) Let me know when you figure that one out.

3) poison. or ghost-hunting related incident.

4) I put them in cold water, bring it to a boil, boil for about 6 mins, and then let them sit there while the water cools off. It's not a particularly exact science for me. If it makes you feel any better, I had to call my mom and ask this exact question less than a year ago.

Jess said...

Aquaphor :) It's the only thing that got rid of newborn scales, and the only thing that makes her seem less than lizard-like now, at three :)

Julia said...

Have to step in here with a few words of advice...since you asked. Aquaphore. Jess suggested it too. It's like Vaseline on crack. Dermatologists use it on ezama patients to calm down scaly flare ups. Should work on Baby D too.

Eggs on the cold water put eggs on bottom and boil until rolling then turn off the stove and let it cool. Also the older the eggs the easier they are to peel. Buy eggs a few weeks in advance and just keep them in the fridge until you want to boil them. Seriously that works. Fresh eggs dont peel at all. It's something about the albumen aging.

The Captain's Wife said...

Wow, lets see if i can remember everything you are asking....
1) baby k has realy sensitive and super dry skin. We use Eurcerin on her. It is like vasoline. We lather her up and then stick her in her jammies for the night. Her skin is not super soft.
2) was this the butt one? I highly recommend squats and lunges. If you go walking, heck even walking around the house, squueze yiur gluts as you walk.
3) i would vote for a long drawn out suffering death, so i am probably not much help.
4) eggs. So i boil the water and then using a gravy spoon i dip the eggs one by one gently into the water. I set the timer for 10 mins and wait. When done I turn the burner off but leave the eggs in the water for a little while. Then i drain and rinse with cold water. Perfect eggs!

Jenni said...

1) My kids have some seriously dry skin. You have to bathe him every day, and before you towel him off, put the baby oil on him (while he's wet) to seal in the moisture, then pat him dry. Then, put heavy duty moisturizer on him 2 or 3 times a day. I recommend Eucerine cream, or Aquaphor.

2) Cool Runnings Couch to 5K

3)Smother him with his own pillow in his sleep, the bastard

4)Fill a sauce pan with 3 or so inches of water - just enough to cover the eggs. Bring water to a boil. Gently lower eggs into boiling water. Boil for 15 minutes for large or xl eggs or 12 minutes for small/medium eggs. Remove eggs from water and place in to cold water to halt cooking. Works every time.

NHGirl said...

1. Call Chuck Norris. He always knows what to do.

2. Karate.

3. Use your learned karate to kumite the crap outta him.

4. Place it on your smoking hot tuckus you've recently acheived and wait ten minutes.

tootertotz said...

We've had luck with Original Formula Curel for Bug's eczema. That means absolutely nothing for you though. Try a little of everything and see what does the trick.

As for your ass, have you tried pouring red wine down your throat. I find that when you follow a strict daily regimen of wine down the gullet, the ass size and muffin-top/bakery belly seems to matter less.

Chuck is likely going to meet his end at the hands of a ghost. You are better suited reaching out to one of them and seeing what they can do for you. Or have Junior leave a wheeled toy on the stairs and send Chuck on a midnight downstairs mission...he may only be injured but he'll know he needs to step up his game or the 'ghosts' will leave more toys out to kill him.

Eggs...I agree with a few things:
start with cold water and let them sit covered until they cool after having reached a boil. Plunge them into ice water until the eggs themselves are cool...should help some with the peeling. And old eggs will certainly help your cause.

Hope you find a helpful answer in one of these posts.

Happy problem-solving!

Sparkling said...

yep i do the 20 minute method too.

as soon as junior can ride a bike with training wheels, you can push diddly while he pedals. until then, i dunno. let him watch a portable dvd player while you push him in t sroller? i know some people do that when they run lots of miles. k-ster and i will never forget his story about the woman pushing a double stroller in a 5K who passed him. a few minutes later, he passed her as she had pulled over to yell at the kids for something and whip the dvd out of their hands and into the basket. and then SHE PASSED HIM AND BEAT HIM!!

snarkygurl said...

1. The only thing I've had to keep from getting dry and scaly were my hedgehogs, and they responded to being spritzed with sweet almond oil after their bath. Don't know how well that works on a kid, but I occasionally use it on myself.

2. Stairs. Not just running up and down, but search the internet for exercises you can do on your stairs. In fact, Prevention Magazine had a short 5 minute routine in their October 2010 issue that I use at work during lunch--when I remember to do it (I'll type it up for you if you'd like). My sister got a running stroller and went up and down hills. She had a great ass after her last kid.

3. Please don't, you'll need him later. Also, guys suck at reading minds or even thinking about what they could do to make life easier for a stressed-out Mom who's plotting to snuff him if he doesn't take some initiative soon. Just hand him the bottle and tell him to do it. If he doesn't, you can use that for ammunition in the morning.

4. Most of the methods you've already been given work just fine. Use old eggs to make them easier to peel, add a little vinegar to the water to keep them from leaking if they crack, always add the eggs to cold water and then boil, make sure there is at least 1 inch of water over the tops of the eggs, and the longer you let them boil, the less time you want to let them sit in the hot water. I generally get the water to a boil and let the eggs cook for 2 minutes, turn off the heat, and them sit between 16 to 20 minutes, depending on what I'm doing at the moment that keeps me from dumping them into ice water to stop the cooking process.

Mrs. Tuna said...

okay, the egg is throwing me.

My mother in law swore by greasing the Big Tuna up in vasoline.....

Lori said...

Scales on the head were vanquished for both my kids by olive oil. I don't really remember what we had to do but there's lots of tutorials online. And Aquaphor lotion worked well for the kids and my dad's tattoo so if it doesn't work for Diddly, then go cover yourself in tats and no one will notice any sausage-likeness.

Dto3 said...

1. No self respecting man would ever admit to having an answer for that one.
2. No self respecting man would ever admit to caring about this.
3. Death seems so final, perhaps a good bruising with a meat mallet would make your point.
4. All right, now a topic I am the master of. Put the eggs in the pot before you boil the water. Bring to a boil and allow to do so for 12 minutes. For a perfectly shaped egg, use a stick pin to poke a small hole in one end before boiling, but this move is reserved after you have perfected the basic boil. Allow to cool only slightly before peeling for the perfect albumen separation. Sprinkle slightly with some course sea salt and eat in the car on your way to work. So, I eat a lot of boiled eggs, sue me. Just don't leave the car windows up if you are carpooling with me.

Anonymous said...

You probably have all the answers you need, but here goes.

1 - Mix a tub of vaseline, a bottle of baby lotion, and a jar of vitamin E cream (CREAM, NOT OIL) all together. Best moisturizer ever.

2 - Skip

3 - Attorney advises me to remain silent.

4 - You need fresh eggs. Put them in a pot of cold water. You don't want to have so many eggs that they are constantly bumping each other. Put pot on stove. When water boils, start timer for about 10-11 minutes. AFter timer goes off, run them under cold water. Voila.

intrepid librarian said...

1) I tried everything - ab-suh-loot-lee everything-- to calm my tyke's eczema. Did I mention everything? I'm not kidding. In the end, the doc prescribed a steroidal cream. We have to use it super sparingly, but it's magical.

Before that, though, I learned that lotions are generally not the way to go. If they have water in them, which most lotions do, they'll only exacerbate the problem. Creams are better; we use Aveeno's colloidal cream on the days we don't use the prescription cream.

Mary Anne said...

Okay, I'm way late to this party, but I have crazy skin that reacts to all sorts of stuff, and I use Vanicream. It takes care of the scaly stuff I sometimes get, isn't too greasy and doesn't make me break out.

I don't like hard boiled eggs, so my husband is the one to make them for Easter egg coloring. I believe he uses the bring it to a boil and then take the pot off the heat and let them sit method.

My baby is 11, and I haven't figured out how to get my butt in shape, so I'm no help there. (I'm also lazy and hate exercise....)

As far as Chuck goes, can't help there, but let me know if you figure that one out, too...

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