ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Who doesn't love Yahtzee?!

Well. I feel much better. Here I was, worried that people would leave me scathing comments about my lack of hard boiling ability when in actuality, I got a diverse range of instructions on how to hard boil the perfect egg. Yes, they all involved submerging eggs in water (shocking), but boiling times ranged from zero minutes to 15.

That's, like, half a sitcom of discrepancy.

I still felt lost. And frightened. So very frightened. So I decided to call my 94-year-old grandmother and ask for her advice.

Now, I don't really like my grandmother. She's not a very nice woman. I once told her I went rock climbing and she said, "So you're not dating men anymore?" And because she hails from a time when you not only cooked your own chickens, you strangled them yourself, plucked them yourself and shellacked their clawed feet into a pretty comb, she gets snarly when I giggle over my domestic inabilities.

In her eyes, prepared frozen dinners are the antichrist and anyone who relies upon them is Satan's minion.

Plus (and I hope you're not eating as you read this), she has weird a fixation with afterbirth. She swears it can fix anything, from curly hair to gout. I was born with a precancerous mole and for years she told my father that if he'd only rubbed afterbirth on it, it would have gone away on its own.

Who needs board games when you can sit around rubbing afterbirth on each other? Who?

I digress.

After calling my grandmother and listening to her tear me a new one for not visiting more, I asked, "Grannie, how do you hard boil the perfect egg?"

Do you know what she told me?

Pretty much what everyone else told me. It was really anticlimactic. And now I have to visit her on Wednesday. With the kids. And I'm sure you can guess what she's going to say when she sees Diddly's dry skin...

Yahtzee!

Kudos to NH Girl for having the most efficient remedies to my ailments. Seriously. She told me to call Chuck Norris about my baby's scales, take karate to tone my rear, use said karate to kill Chuck (not the Norris guy, the other Chuck) and then to cook the eggs on my smokin' ass. All in a day's work.

Yahtzee!

11 comments:

VandyJ said...

Hope the karate solves all.

LAB said...

You make me smile! That is all. Yahtzee!

The Mother said...

I recommend always assuming you know as much as everyone else rather than much less. It's far better for his ego.

Sara said...

I know several women that ate the placenta after the birth of their child/children. One made smoothies and the other had it dried and then crushed and put into pill form. So your granny saying the afterbirth has magical abilities, is what some women of this generation are saying. I'm not gonna be eating placenta any time soon, though. *shudder*

Frogs in my formula said...

Eating the placenta? What??

Sparkling said...

i am sure you will have no trouble finding some afterbirth for sale on ebay.

and yes, i've heard of this eating the placenta thing. it's usually in the same paragraph as homebirth and waterbirth and sleeping in the same bed with children until they are 25.

Sara said...

Sparkling is right. lol

They said the placenta helped allevate their PPD symptoms, gave them more energy, and a few other things.

*helps you up off the floor*

You mean you didn't want to nom on some of your afterbirth?

Frogs in my formula said...

I had to do it. I looked for afterbirth on ebay. All I could find were AfterBirth Drops (thank God). Time magazine actually featured a story about a mother eating her placenta:

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1908194,00.html

My Grannie looks pretty tame right about now.

Pricilla said...

Being a goat I always eat the afterbirth after I birth.
That way any predators won't know I have given birth.

It disgusts the publicist to no end.
I have even seen her gag a little
heh

Mrs. Tuna said...

Maybe afterbirth on the baby for his dry skin? No, too gross, just let him be flaky.

Lindy said...

No, no, no. Using a steamer doesn't require submerging the eggs in water. Literally, you set the eggs in the electric steamer, turn on the timer and when it dings you take them out. No boiling! Super easy! :)