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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

My husband is, like, way better than Bud

At 11:43 a.m. this morning, I got an email from Charles with the subject line, “I am not a jerk.”

No message. Nuttin’.

So I did what any concerned wife would do: I emailed him back and wrote, “I know.”

Then my phone rang.

“Everyone is going to think I am a jerk,” he said.

“What are you talking about?”

He proceeded to launch into a tirade using the high-pitched voice he reserves for mimicking his mother and me. “Oh, Charles watches Law and Order, blah blah, and he doesn’t play with his kid and he doesn’t do anything around the house, blah blah, men suck.”

Uh oh. I was so proud of the sign I made that I sent Charles an email a few weeks ago and told him he had to check it out. (Dinner chat has been pretty quiet on the “let’s talk about blogging” front so I assumed he took a peek and moved on.)

Alas, he lingered.

“Honey, you’re a great husband and father. No one thinks you’re a jerk.”

Silence.

“You rock my world?”

“I don’t appreciate being misrepresented. Or mocked.”

Click.

Double oops. Even though my anecdotes are 99.998% natural, I may have occasionally erred on the side of dipshitedness.

In an attempt to rectify the situation, I’m offering this: the five most fabulously sweet things Charles has done for me in the 11 years we’ve been bound together in bliss (shit, I really should shake this sarcasm thing before he dumps my sorry ass).

Here goes:

1. On our first date he sprayed my fried-to-a-crisp self down with Solarcaine in the women’s bathroom without trying to take advantage of me in my precarious state (although he did admit years later that yes, he snuck a peek at my boobies).

2. One year into our relationship, he moved to another state to be with me even though I had told him a month before that I wanted to try being on my own.

3. The next year, he moved back to Connecticut to be with me after I freaked out and left the other state.

4. He held my hand during my C-section after seeing me through 24 hours of labor, two epidurals, painkillers, vomiting, hyperventilating, and elephantitis of the body (I'm not kidding, I couldn't even fit into my maternity clothes I was retaining so much water).

5. On Junior's first birthday, Charles bought him a frog kiddie pool and stuffed frog in honor of Frogs in my Formula.

Charles, this Stella’s for you, baby (Bud sucks).

18 comments:

The Fritz Facts said...

Definitly not a jerk!!

MadWoman said...

Sounds like a pretty stand up guy to me! Definitely not a jerk.

Mama Les said...

Sounds like you have a wonderful husband!!!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Your blog cracks me up!
Visiting from AllMediocre,

Practically Joe said...

Now I'm sorry I asked about him using the "poo" card. We all need supportive people in our blogging corners. I promise you ... I know this is true.

Lina said...

I found this site called http://URAjerk.com maybe you can use it. It seems to help get me through the issues of dealing with some of the jerks I know. At least I can vent about these jerks, plus I get a kick out of sending them some cards.

Debbie said...

I think you have proven that you do not think he is a jerk.

texasholly said...

Toooo cute. He IS NOT a jerk...at all.

I love it.

Thanks so much for linking!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Funny. Hubby and I pretty much don't talk about my blogging. I blog he reads it. If he has concerns I just keep telling him stop being a dork. (Or wait don't, then I'd have nothing to write about ;)

Sorry you had a miscommunication with your guy though. Your top 5 things were hilarious though, esp #1.

Stopping by from Keely's.

Anne said...

I totally do not think he is a jerk. I can relate. Every once in a while, my husband will ask why I threw him under the bus (I usually tell him it is because it is funny).

I think your husband is amazing, staying home and taking care of Junior all day. That is a really tough job and it sounds like he does it really well.

Elle said...

He sounds like a great guy. Definitely not a jerk. My husband doesn't read our blog that often, only when it seems I've blogged about him. Oh well.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

None of your posts about your hubby ever gave me the impression that he's a jerk...ever. :)

And this post? Totally solidifies that he's definitely a keeper! :) It appears that not only is he not a jerk, he's also a saint! :)

GreenJello said...

No, definitely not the definition of "jerk". :)

Keely said...

I've never gotten the impression that he's a jerk, either. Actually, quite the opposite.

Maybe he's just feeling frustrated because of his butt surgery.

~~tonya~~ said...

He sounds great!!

Great thoughts!

Laufa said...

It doesn't sound like he is a jerk, just having a rough day.

Laufa said...

Ooops, I meant to also tell you I love your header!! I am a fan of frogs, just not live ones.

Angel said...

Totally not a jerk! What a wonderful Guy!!