Sunday, June 10, 2012

The day for which every mother of a boy waits

I once read that the average four-year-old asks 437 questions a day.

That's nothing. Junior asks 4,370 questions a day.

He talks and asks, asks and talks. He talks when he's eating, he's asks when he's sleeping. Sometimes when he talks, I lower my head and shield my eyes. I can physically feel his words hitting my head. They're fast, they're furious; I need a superhero helmet to protect me from the battering.

Today though, the bathroom was eerily quiet as I passed by. I knew Junior was in there. He had told me as much—"I have to go to the bathroom don't let Everett touch my toys not even for a minute cause when I get out I'm gonna play with them and I don't want him touching them while I'm in the bathroom and when I get out I want a glass of water with ice cubes and I really have to poop now I can't wait another minute so please come get me if it's been a while and I'm going in now so don't let Everett touch my toys and I need privacy so don't open the door unless I ask!"—in just a few words.

I stood outside the door. Nothing. Not a sound, not a peep. I crept a little closer. I heard the faintest rustling of paper. I took a deep breath and held it. More crinkling. Yes, there was definitely some crinkling going on. Crinkling!

Could it be? Could it really be happening under my own roof?

"Junior? Are you okay in there?"

"Just a second!"

"Do you need help?"


True to his words, he burst out a second later.

"What were you doing in there?" I asked.

"There was no more toilet paper so I got a new roll."

I ran into the bathroom to see if what he was saying was true...

And it was.

Praise be to the Porcelain Goddess, there was a brand new roll affixed to the holder. On.The.Holder. My four-year-old had just accomplished what my husband seems utterly incapable of. I was in shock. I was elated. Whether or not a celebratory tear welled up in my eye is between me and my toilet, but let's just say that as I kissed Junior goodnight tonight, it was extra sloppy and gooey.

I have proof that we can break the cycle. Actual proof.

I'll never look at a roll of toilet paper the same way again.


NHGirl said...

My four year old surprised the hell outta me yesterday when he put his sippy cup on a COASTER, then picked up his brother's and told him, "Your cup goes on this coaster on the table!"

I may have recorded this in his baby book.

Patty Woodland said...

My god. A MALE did that?! I thought it was genetically impossible

Elizabeth said...

I don't want to rain on your parade, but every so often, they do these weird things that are kind of like Halley's Comet or something--defintely very cool to observe, and certainly anything's possible, but really, don't count on seeing it again in your lifetime.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

My kids STILL don't do this! They are 19, 16, and 11. You are clearly the most wonderful mother ever!

Frogs in my formula said...

Halley's Comet? What??? Noooo, this can't be a freak occurrence.

VandyJ said...

They learn it, and then outgrow it. Or they will change it but not throw the old tube in the garbage that is RIGHT THERE.

Sparkling said...

Wow, I am speechless. Just speechless. Grown men who phDs cannot accomplish this task and you have a 4 year old doing it in your house. Wow. I'm not one who cares if the paper comes off over or under, but just put the damned roll on the roll holder and not the back of the toilet, the sink, the tub, etc. You are a lucky lady!

Gina said...

I have a 15 year old male, a 52 year old male, and an 8 year old female who your son can tutor in this difficult task.

Mandy- Read. Write. Mom! said...

Dude. THAT is monumental!! He is going to make some woman VERAH happy someday!

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