I've been scouring the newspapers and job sites and let me tell you, there ain't shit. Worse, of the few openings listed, many leave me scratching my head about what's expected. Like this one for a part-time receptionist:
There's so much more I need to know about this "must like people and teeth" position. Like, must I like people and teeth equally? Are we talking people teeth or animal teeth too? Are the teeth in people's mouths or outside of them? Am I going to be bitten or do I have to bite people...and are they the same people I'm supposed to "like" or a different group of people?
Then there's the really crucial question: How much do I need to like teeth? Must I like teeth so much that the sight of them stops me dead in my tracks, or can I lukewarmly admire them over a cup of coffee? Is one of the interview questions, "What do you think about when you're making love to your partner?" and is the correct answer "teeth"?
Like is such a relative term. It's the grayest of grays!
If I lie and say I like teeth to get the job, will I be a fake amongst authentic teeth lovers or has everyone feigned a fondness for chompers just to get on the payroll? If management does believe my lies and hires me, are there sporadic tests, like drug tests, to assure that my desire for teeth hasn't waned? Like, will they bring me into a room one day, turn down the lights, and show me this
and shout, "Look at this picture! Look at it! Do you still like teeth? Do YOU?"
And what if I can't pretend anymore? What if I finally can't take the sight of gums and teeth and fillings anymore and all the "OMG I LOVE teeth" bullshit by the water cooler and I have to cry out, "No! I hate teeth! I HATE them!"? Will they grab me by the arms and drag me out and throw me on the street?
See? I knew I shouldn't apply for this job.
I knew it.