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About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Defensive? Who, me?

I’ve had this blog for three years, and I’ve been really spoiled. The comments and feedback I’ve gotten have been funny, generous and positive. No trolls. No “You suck!” emails. Falalala.

I didn’t realize just how spoiled I was until I got my first “I don’t like you” comments a few days ago and...ouch, man.

Chuck told me I shouldn’t be so sensitive, but I realized that up until this point, I may have mistakenly believed that the entire world thought I was amazingly awesome.

It happened on the Facebook page. HonestBaby reposted my breastfeeding post and someone responded that my article was “negative and full of hate and profanity.” The woman wrote that she could “care less” whether I breastfed or not, she didn’t like my “horrible attitude.”

Another woman called my post “pretty nasty.” She wrote that if a breastfeeding mother wrote about formula-feeding mothers in that same tone “there would be hell to pay.”


I understand that not everyone is going to swoon over my writing, but I’d like to say some things in my defense. My blog is the one place I can be crass and crude. I spell out naughty words at home. Saying fuck and shit on occasion feels good. Really fucking good.

As far as the “full of hate” part, that caught me off guard. I'm not a hateful person. In fact as of late, I feel kind of hearts and flowers. Getting to spend time with my two kids after working full-time for the last two years has made me giddy.

The commenter who wrote that “nobody is making her feel shamed [sic] or guilty but herself” was right. I chose to do a number on myself. I chose to see breastfeeding as the be-all of motherhood.

And Chuck’s family can’t help the fact that they could breastfeed a continent. But come on, having bountiful women take close note of your barren boobies sucks the big one. And let's be honest. There’s something truly awful about having another mother tell you that your baby is trying to eat her clothing after you've just removed him from your breast.

So yes, on the day I wrote my down-with-the-milk-fairy post, I was full of anger for Chuck’s family—but I don’t hate them. I’m envious.

Does that make me nasty? Negative? Full of hatred?

I don't fucking think so.


Julia said...

Maybe reading that post after reading all your other posts over the years it was "normal" for some of us. If that was the first post I ever read I don't know... Maybe without background it doesn't work to some more "sensitive" and easily offended folks. Eh. Just forget about it.

Small Town Mommy said...

I don't think you are hostile and full of hate and I am usually pretty sensitive (intimidated) to that kind of thing. I don't think you have a horrible attitude. I have a friend who was almost assaulted at a pediatrician's office because she was "killing" her baby giving her a bottle. That sounds like a horrible attitude. I thought your post was a good example of the pressure women receive when they choose (or are forced) to bottle feed a baby.

Jenni said...

Meh, fuck those assholes.

tootertotz said...

You're a total asshole but not because you posted about your struggles with breastfeeding...but rather because you aren't making more time in your busy life with a newborn and a 3-year old to post more often. I bet you just have time to burn, don't you?!

I would suggest you tell those bitches to suck it. But your lackluster milk supply would only frustrate you more at the mere suggestion of someone sucking it.

Fuck it...tell them to suck it anyway!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Fucking a right.

And whoever wrote that "if a breastfeeding mother wrote bad things about a formula feeding mother, they'd have trouble" (paraphrasing by me)...


have you never been on the la leche league message board? In, oh, say, THE LAST 20 YEARS? They are breastfeeding nazis and think formula is tantamount to cigarettes for babies. So THAT comment is completely without merit.

or intelligence.


(for clarification, I don't think LLL is necessarily bad, for the right person they give lots of support. But for women really having a hard time breastfeeding, there seems to be more importance placed on the act of the baby getting milk from a breast than a mother being in a calm & sane state of mind. I'm just saying, a breastfed baby with a psycho mom is probably not the wisest balance.)(ps only speaking from personal experience, here.)

rachel... said...

Fuck 'em. It's your fucking blog, say what you want.

On the other hand, putting your shit (good, bad or otherwise) on the internet for the world to see leaves you open to criticism and you have to expect some like that when it comes to these contentious topics (even if contention wasn't your intent).

I've had only a few negative comments in my 2 or 3 years of blogging, but one REALLY hateful, hurtful one that I'll never forget. From this bitch named Carin.

Carin, if you're reading this, fuck you, too.

Sara said...

I like your inyourface blog. It was a great blog. It is good to make your mark, though, and definitely having haters means you have made an impact. Where's my haters? And you hated on a yarny sweater...thems fighting words. ;) Take it easy and kiss that baby!

VandyJ said...

Can't please all the people all the time--And who would want to. Pleasing everyone is boring. You are never boring. Keep it up and screw 'em of they can't take a joke.

Lindy said...

I really wish you'd get your act together over here. I mean, dammit woman, if someone is going to say you are full of the hate....SHOW THEM THE HATE! Unleash the hate. Be the hate.

Pricilla said...

Want Abby?
She'll butt 'em for you.

sarahthings said...

They don't get it because they DON'T GET IT. We heart you, that's all you need.

FoN said...

First of all, I think you are amazingly awesome.

And, while I agree that the no-milk-in-the-boobies thing is a number we DO do on ourselves, it doesn't come from nowhere, either. It comes from having to explain that yes, we have tried EVERYTHING, thanks, to ALL the people who feel this need to give breastfeeding advice.

It's the implication that we (a) don't care enough to 'make the sacrifice' to breastfeed, or (b) are just ignorant or uninformed about the benefits of breast milk for our babies.

And TONS of breastfeeding superheros make one or both of the above assumptions. They DO judge. And to hate on you for ranting about that judgement, or to deny it exists altogether? Just proves they don't care to make any changes that will lead to new moms supporting each other.

That includes the right to say FUCK in a blog.

So, to sum up - they suck. Not you.

jadenotjaded said...

Yikes, I'm glad I'm not the baby stuck on those ladies' cold titties!

You're wonderful!

Whitney said...

I'm loving Rachel's comment. And I love your blog. Who cares what other people think...It's not like you're forcing them to read your blog...good grief! If they don't like it, they can go read something else...if they can possibly find something that doesn't offend them.

Frogs in my formula said...

Thanks everyone. I especially appreciate the blatant use of swear words.

Texan mama, I've never been on the la leche league message board but my mother is still traumatized by her experience with la leche and it's been 35 years.

Mrs. Tuna said...

Of course our blogs are the place to rant, if I don't care for a post, I check back a few days later and comment on something else.

Kathy said...

I have a negative review about my blog on Amazon Kindle's site. It's been bugging me ever since I read it. The guy said something like "there isn't one funny thing I could find on that blog." Yeah, well. Several hundred other people disagree, asshole.

Try not to sweat it. They don't know you (like your first commenter said). If they're not fans to begin with, one post does not a following make.

DL3 said...

The Mother said...

Any mom who doesn't (can't) breastfeed in the modern world is forced to feel defensive by all the pc police out there.

You have every right to post your defensiveness in whatever way you like. It's your blog, and they can just go to hell. Oops. I just swore.

Sparkling said...

Umm I read you because I think you're funny. And when you're mad, you're even funnier. If we met in real life, I'd love to have you as a friend. So, whatever nutjobs were over there reading your post and thought you were inappropriate- screw them. That's the joy of the internet! No one makes them read you. If they don't like you, they can just go on to the next one. And the joy you have? You can just delete their fucken nasty comments.

Our Crazy Life said...

And if it was any of their business it might matter, but it fucking doesn't!! My mama taught me to say something nice if your going to say anything at all and some people really need to learn this concept! By the way, I loved the post and it said things that I felt at that time in my life- very real!

spunfull said...

I love you blog! Screw 'em!

Le Chatelier Family said...

Hey girl! Just found your blog and it is a treat to read during my kids' naptime. Thanks for all the laughs!

I've bf all three of my kids (#3 is a few months old) but girl, let me tell was a struggle EACH and EVERY time! My son would only take from one side- I got some strange looks from my lopsided chest for a solid year. I hated swimsuit season :)

But seriously, I think most bf moms aren't haters. Well, I'm not, anyway. Thanks for your honesty, and keep up the good work!