2. For first time in five years stretch after getting out of bed. Pull muscle. Collapse on floor.
3. Eat two-and-a-half-week-old birthday cupcake for breakfast. Rationalize that rock hard chocolate is better than no chocolate at all.
4. Try to feed child breakfast while balancing checkbook and applying mascara. Dip mascara wand in pen holder, poke self in eye with pen.
5. Speed to work. Narrowly avoid hitting elderly woman in wheelchair trying to cross street.
6. Narrowly avoid hitting police car while waving sorry to elderly woman in wheelchair trying to cross street, who is now giving you the finger.
7. Take shortcut through parking lot in attempt to beat boss to office. Get trapped in chain link fence trying to squeeze through slot. Call to 100-pound security guard for assistance detangling your 135-pound self from metal links. Rip shirt trying to break free.
8. Dash home to change shirt. Find husband and son watching television in their underwear.
9. Change shirt. Drive back to work. Realize lunch is on kitchen counter and that you are wearing a striped blouse with a floral skirt.
10. Sit down at desk. Realize it's only 10 a.m. and that you have to sit in a wobbly chair all day with a red eye, mismatched shirt, pulled neck, and blue tongue while politely declining boss's offers—again—to coat your hair with her new vice: Moroccan oil.
Send flowers. Please, send something.
