Monday, January 23, 2012

Things I want to say

To the babysitter: Please stop using so many dryer sheets and/or fabric softener. You smell like a godamned vat of Bounce. When I come home from work and hug my children, I don't want to smell you.

To Chuck's mom: Thank you for buying me my very own stethoscope so I can listen to the kids' lungs when they're sick. But do we have to bust it out every time you visit? Sometimes I misplace the damn thing.

To my mother: The kids are fine. Please stop calling me a day after you've seen them and asking how they are.

To my underwear: God, you're pathetically functional lately.

To Junior: I'm running out of nice ways to ask you to please stop talking. How your tongue hasn't run away from your mouth is a mystery to me and the town of Mulletville Lite. Just zip it.

To my twitchy eye: I get it. I need to get off the computer. I get it!

To Chuck: The fact that you now go into the other room to clear your throat—like I've asked you to for years—just saved our marriage.

Screech! Wait, I actually did say that.

(He was unimpressed.)


Addendum to Chuck: The fact that you now go into the other room to clear your throat—like I've asked you to for years—means you're getting lucky tonight.

Chuck? Chuck? Honey?

Addendum to my underwear: False alarm girls, false alarm. The man is out cold.


Sparkling said...

can we just get all of the bounce out of this world? can't everyone damned one of us use unscented everything? nothing is more bizarre to me than being outside in the frigid cold of winter (ok, not THIS winter) and smelling the cold, the smoke from chimneys and the exhaust from someone's dryer who must be drying nothing but a box of dryer sheets in there!! it's awful!

Pricilla said...

Men are a bit thickheaded but they eventually catch on. I'm still working on mine and I've had him for 30 years.

Brittney said...

lol that last line cracked me up!!

Mama Badger said...

Is it bad for self esteem to ask a 4 year old to be quiet? If I have to hear another iteration of what happened at school yesterday, I might cry. Or what he sees out the window, or what he's thinking, or what I should think... Wow.

Leanne said...

Love it. And yeah, what is it with all the Bounce smells around lately? I've been noticing it too....

Mrs. Tuna said...

Fuck you made me laugh out loud today.

Award time for you...because I'm crafty like that.

busanalayali said...

Great post,I really like your article

Hockey Wife said...

Too funny! I think a post like this could do me (er, my mental health) some good!

Man! There are a lot of holes in my neighborhood

Our young neighbors Bob and Claire are wonderful —which is a fricken relief because we basically share a yard. A flat, treeless yard. When ...