To the babysitter: Please stop using so many dryer sheets and/or fabric softener. You smell like a godamned vat of Bounce. When I come home from work and hug my children, I don't want to smell you.
To Chuck's mom: Thank you for buying me my very own stethoscope so I can listen to the kids' lungs when they're sick. But do we have to bust it out every time you visit? Sometimes I misplace the damn thing.
To my mother: The kids are fine. Please stop calling me a day after you've seen them and asking how they are.
To my underwear: God, you're pathetically functional lately.
To Junior: I'm running out of nice ways to ask you to please stop talking. How your tongue hasn't run away from your mouth is a mystery to me and the town of Mulletville Lite. Just zip it.
To my twitchy eye: I get it. I need to get off the computer. I get it!
To Chuck: The fact that you now go into the other room to clear your throat—like I've asked you to for years—just saved our marriage.
Screech! Wait, I actually did say that.
(He was unimpressed.)
Ehem.
Addendum to Chuck: The fact that you now go into the other room to clear your throat—like I've asked you to for years—means you're getting lucky tonight.
Chuck? Chuck? Honey?
Addendum to my underwear: False alarm girls, false alarm. The man is out cold.
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8 comments:
can we just get all of the bounce out of this world? can't everyone damned one of us use unscented everything? nothing is more bizarre to me than being outside in the frigid cold of winter (ok, not THIS winter) and smelling the cold, the smoke from chimneys and the exhaust from someone's dryer who must be drying nothing but a box of dryer sheets in there!! it's awful!
Men are a bit thickheaded but they eventually catch on. I'm still working on mine and I've had him for 30 years.
lol that last line cracked me up!!
Is it bad for self esteem to ask a 4 year old to be quiet? If I have to hear another iteration of what happened at school yesterday, I might cry. Or what he sees out the window, or what he's thinking, or what I should think... Wow.
Love it. And yeah, what is it with all the Bounce smells around lately? I've been noticing it too....
Fuck you made me laugh out loud today.
Award time for you...because I'm crafty like that.
http://workingwomansguidetodinner.blogspot.com/2012/01/winner-winner-chicken-dinner.html
Great post,I really like your article
Too funny! I think a post like this could do me (er, my mental health) some good!
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